Away from home

‘There are always mystical countries that are a part of one’s childhood. Those we remember and visit sometimes when we are asleep and dreaming. They are as lovely at night as they were when we were children. If you ever go back to see them they are not there. But they are as fine in the night as they ever were if you have the luck to dream of them.”

– E. Hemingway, True at first light!

Home, our best place we never get back to once we leave. It’s hot, it’s warm, it’s cozy, messy, chaos, silent and sometimes it’s mom or fight or laughter with brothers or your sister chasing you around the courtyard.

Our home grows inside us, from the moment you start living in there it start growing, it keeps on growing till a day when suddenly you have to grow old and leave the place.

You leave, may you have cried but not for the home you are leaving behind. Then we travel from places to places through people to flats, we run or (for few) a walk.

Home is still there inside you, but it’s freezing. It can go unnoticed for years. You don’t start missing your home before its completely frozen and cold. You continue your daily life as usual while your precious memories are safe inside that frozen home inside you.

Then one day a piece of a layer from wall paint of your home back in the country falls next to your morning coffee or at midnight a rat back from your home walks in your attic and the familiarity of noise wakes you up.

From then you try to feel your home that is inside you at where you are, alas nothing works. Like a buzz in the wind it follows you, louder when u feel lost.

The closer you get is you just feel cold. That itself is a relief, like sudden pull out of time in to eternity, but it doesn’t last, in moments you are back to present. Then happens those futile attempts to rebuild that real feel of home that you once had. You try imitation, convincing yourself, arranging things to match the home you have in memory. Attempts for years and days, it doesn’t work.

Then you decide to go home. There it hurts when you are back in your home where you ran around as a kid and you realize you can’t rebuild that home even in same house. It has all changed. It was changed forever when you took the first step out. Enternally irreversible it had gone.

And there on we live on with that big cavity called what?